Guilty as Charged 2019

CHRISTMAS WISHES AND MISTLETOE KISSES (HALLMARK)

Plot in a nutcracker.  It’s Wipeout’s Jill Wagner in her first of TWO Christmas shows. She’s a single mom/interior decorator who gets a contract to decorate a hot business man’s mansion.  Want proof he’s rich?  His character’s name is Nick Sinclair.* They’ll have to overcome his workaholic nature and mean female coworker and of course your standard miscommunications to have a happy ending.  

*Total rich guy name

Hotness of male lead: 3.5/4 - it’s Matthew Davis from Melinda’s favorite guilty pleasure Blue Crush and Legally Blonde!  However, I was very aware of the fact that he doesn’t have much of an upper lip! 

Acting: 4/4. I like Jill Wagner and Matthew Davis actually has real acting credits. Also, Donna Mills!

Disclaimer: misleading advertising. There are NO kisses under the mistletoe in this movie!!

FINAL RATING: 4/5 sleigh bells. If one can ignore the fact that this debuted BEFORE HALLOWEEN, this is a good one. 

SWEET MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS (HALLMARK)

Plot in a nutcracker. Megan Hilty, who starred in last year’s unexpected pleasure Santa’s Boots, is back, this time playing a country music star desperate for a hit. She decides to visit her hometown in Tennessee but - bad luck! - is snowed in and she can’t make a concert in NYC. Also in her hometown is her ex boyfriend who is now the mayor.  Cue the love-hate relationship!

Hotness of male lead: 3/4 - He’s been in a lot of these movies and I haven’t liked him, but this time he has a beard and it sort of changes everything. 

Acting: 3.5/4.

FINAL RATING: 2.5/5 sleigh bells.

THE MISTLETOE SECRET (HALLMARK)

Plot in a nutcracker. Kellie Pickler and her quirky diner gang are gunning to get their hometown, Midway, UT (!!!) on a famous travel writer’s website as the ideal Christmas town. It is never explained why Kellie Pickler is starring in a movie set in Midway, Utah, while keeping her southern accent.  They also upped Midway’s black population by casting one black person to “live” in Midway and hang out at the diner.  Also, somehow they convinced Patrick Duffy to star in this movie!

Hotness of male lead: 2.5/4.

Acting: 0/4. It is SO bad. 

FINAL RATING: UNWATCHABLE. And it’s filmed not in Utah but in Canada!

PICTURE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS (HALLMARK)

Plot in a nutcracker. A jet-setting photographer comes home for Christmas to spend time with her grandmother, and ends up sort of nannying for her neighbor’s nephew (what?!), and the neighbor happens to be cute and single (oh, ok). 

Hotness of male lead: 2/5. His hair bothered me. 

Acting: 3/4. It’s not bad, and the kid is great. 

FINAL RATING: 2.5/5 sleigh bells.  If you’d like a slightly better than average, pleasant-enough movie, this is one. 

RANDOM ACTS OF CHRISTMAS (LIFETIME)

Plot in a nutcracker. A reporter, who’s also a single mother, is hot on the trail of a Secret Santa who does grand gestures of Christmas throughout Chicago.  Turns out the Secret Santa - and this is no spoiler, because it’s revealed in the very beginning - is a handsome Christmas-decor heir (yes, that’s a thing) who is posing as a reporter also on the story. Cue misunderstanding 1 hour later when she finds out. 

Surprise!  It’s…. Charlie’s Angel Jaclyn Smith!  And…Patrick Duffy (again!) as the Alfred to the male lead’s Bruce Wayne.

Hotness of male lead: 5/5. His hair is great. And he plays a super rich guy who also - hey, ladies! - cleans the crumbs off the kitchen counter. 

Acting: 3.5/4. Surprisingly good acting, but a half-point deduction for the kid, darn it.

FINAL RATING: 3.5/5 sleigh bells. The plot is different than your average, the interactions between mother and son are pretty believable, and it has a cute ending.

CHRISTMAS RESERVATIONS (LIFETIME)

Plot in a nutcracker. I’m not sure it matters.  Melissa Joan Hart runs some sort of lodge and - awkward - an ex-boyfriend checks in. Along the way, I’m sure something Christmas-related happens.

Surprise!  It’s…. Family Ties’ Michael Gross! Markie Post! Ted McGinley!

Hotness of male lead: 1/4. I did not find him attractive. 

Acting: 2/4. I’m not sure why I even started this knowing Melissa Joan Hart is in it. 

FINAL RATING: ABANDONED. Points for trying to develop independent storylines with the guests - sort of a Love Boat in a Christmas Lodge - but with 40+ movies premiering, I just can’t do this. 

CHRISTMAS IN LOUISIANA (LIFETIME)

Plot in a nutcracker. Girl comes home for Christmas only to run into ex-boyfriend, just in time for the Christmas festival where they were once crowned “Mr. and Miss Christmas."

Surprise!  It’s…. Moira Kelly from the Cutting Edge!

Hotness of male lead: 3/4. He is very charming! 

Acting: 4/4. I loved the family scenes - they feel natural and not forced, and include plenty of good-natured ribbing from a matchmaking grandma as both mother and daughter find love.

FINAL RATING: 4/5 sleigh bells. This one is cute.

THE CHRISTMAS CLUB (HALLMARK)

Plot in a nutcracker. A man and woman meet cute helping an old lady buy Christmas presents after she loses her money (that woman is secretly Mrs. Claus!).  After more coincidental meet ups than you can count, they FINALLY get each others’ numbers and are off to embark on Christmas walks and potentially relationship-ending misunderstandings. 

Surprise!  It’s…Elizabeth Mitchell from Lost in the lead role. And she’s lovely. 

Hotness of male lead: 3/4. It’s Cameron Mathison, Hallmark’s Mr. Christmas! And his hair really is great. He’s 50!

Disclaimer: I have no idea why this is titled The Christmas Club. There are no clubs in this movie. 

Acting: 4/4. Elizabeth Mitchell really makes this movie watchable through a bunch of little intangible things that she makes look easy, until you watch every other Hallmark movies and realize it’s not easy.  And a good thing, because this script is not great. The woman who plays Cameron Mathison’s sister is good too. 

FINAL RATING: 3.5/5 sleigh bells. 

CHECK INN TO CHRISTMAS

Plot in a nutcracker. Picture Romeo & Juliet, but the Montagues and Capulets are rival inn owners whose attractive progeny must band together to save their small town from an evil corporate hotel.  Spoiler alerts: it’s not Shakespeare, and no one dies. 

Surprise!  It’s…Richard Karn of Home Improvement as one of the dads. 

Hotness of male lead: 3/4.

Acting: 3/4. Wes Brown, who had to suffer through starring opposite Kelly Pickler last year, has been rewarded with a female costar who can actually act. 

FINAL RATING: 2.5/5 sleigh bells. 

CHRISTMAS AT THE PLAZA (HALLMARK)

Plot in a nutcracker. A historian teams up with a decorator (our second male decorator!) to create a holiday display at the Plaza hotel.  Unlike most movies, this one appears to have been actually filmed in New York. 

Surprise!  It’s….Norm! (George Wendt) as an elevator operator

Hotness of male lead: 1/4. He’s conventionally attractive but too pretty for me. 

Acting: 1/4. I really, really hated the female lead.  

FINAL RATING: ABANDONED.  Couldn’t finish.

CHRISTMAS 9 TO 5 (LIFETIME)

Plot in a nutcracker: A “tough crime reporter” goes undercover at a large department store at Christmas time to report on the true meaning of Christmas.  While posing as a lowly store clerk, she somehow catches the eye of the young heir to the department store’s throne, just in time to help him ward off a hostile takeover of the store. Can this giant big box (but somehow still local) retail store be saved?

Surprise! It’s…no one. 

Hotness of male lead: 2/4. No one who wears a bow tie throughout the movie can be described as “hot.” He is boyishly attractive at best. 

Acting: 2/4. Woof, it’s not great. 

FINAL RATING: 1.5/5 sleigh bells. 

TWINKLE ALL THE WAY (LIFETIME)

Plot in a nutcracker: A wedding planner needs to team up with a local decorator (a guy!) for a Christmas Eve wedding.  If a blizzard doesn’t ruin the wedding plans!  Want to know why this one’s on Lifetime and not Hallmark? Because there is a supporting role with a gay couple, and they kiss!

Surprise! It’s…Leslie Ann Warren, who’s famous but I haven’t seen anything she’s in because I’m too young!!

Hotness of male lead: 4/4. He’s very attractive and very charming!

Acting: 2.5/4. Pretty good and the girls are very cute.  

FINAL RATING: 2.5/5 sleigh bells. Perfectly pleasant.

CHRISTMAS AT GRACELAND: HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (HALLMARK)

Plot in a nutcracker: A woman returns home to Memphis for the holidays but waiting for…you guessed it! A big job opportunity. While she waits, she agrees to nanny for a widower.  He likes things scheduled, she likes things messy, and they go all Von Trapp Family Singers at the end when they have to sing at some party unexpectedly.

Surprise! It’s…the real Priscilla Presley, interior shots of Graceland, and actual Elvis music. This is big-budget Hallmark, people. 

Hotness of male lead: 3/4. It’s Adrian Grenier of Entourage, who for reasons unknown agreed to do this movie. However, this is the same Adrian Grenier who also starred in Drive Me Crazy with Melissa Joan Hart so maybe he has no standards!  He’s handsome in a lanky charming way and totally unbelievable as a CEO/father of three.

Acting: 3/4. The fact that this sequel has Kellie Pickler nowhere in it means it’s leaps and bounds above the first one. 

FINAL RATING: 2/5 sleigh bells. If only it weren’t so borrrinnggg…

A CHRISTMAS WISH (LIFETIME)

Plot in a nutcracker: A town tradition has you put a Christmas wish in a box. Secretly, a committee of townspeople work to make the wishes come true. But one woman’s wish to get a true love’s kiss at Christmas might actually come true through good old fashioned Christmas magic!  (It’s her best friend WHO’S BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME)

Surprise! It’s…70s star Pam Grier as some sort of magical woman granting the aforementioned wish. She is really never explained.

Hotness of male lead: 2/4. He’s charming but not your typical Hallmark/Lifetime beefcake. They put him in yellow pants through a couple of major scenes and it’s disturbing. 

Acting: 3/4. I like the female lead, she’s always reliable. And they have a nice believable sister relationship.

FINAL RATING: 4/5 sleigh bells. As of December 6, this is my favorite of the pack. It’s just different enough to set it apart.

A CHRISTMAS LOVE STORY (HALLMARK)

Plot in a nutcracker: IT’S A HALLMARK HALL OF FAME! That means bigger budgets and bigger stars…Kristin Chenoweth as a music teacher and Scott Wolf as the single dad she meets when his son turns out to be a bit of a musical prodigy. 

Surprise! It’s…a pretty contrived plot twist when we find out the boy is Kristin Chenoweth’s son that she gave up for adoption and Scott Wolf adopted him!!!!  And THEY’RE ALL FINE WITH IT!

Hotness of male lead: 2/4. He’s not as young as he used to be. 

Acting: 4/4. Real actors. 

FINAL RATING: 3/5 sleigh bells. I liked all the leads and love Kristin Chenoweth, but let’s just say it’s no 12 Men of Christmas. 

BATTLE OF THE JEWISH HANUKKAH MOVIES: 

MISTLETOE & MENORAHS (LIFETIME) VS. HOLIDAY DATE (HALLMARK)

Plot in a yarmulke: 

• In Mistletoe & Menorahs, a toy maker must learn about Hanukkah to land a big account. Enter a handsome stranger who is Jewish and wants to learn about Christmas because of his gentile girlfriend!  
• In Holiday Date, a woman is broken up with by her boyfriend and decides to hire an actor to play him when she goes home for Christmas. Plot twist: he’s Jewish!!
• Winner: Mistletoe & Menorahs

Best treatment of Hanukkah: Mistletoe & Menorahs. They explain in detail why the Jews celebrate Hanukkah the way they do and it’s the most religious of any holiday movie this season (and it’s on Lifetime!)

Hotness of male lead: 

Mistletoe & Menorah: 2/4. He’s charming, though!!

Holiday Date: 3.5/4. VERY tight jeans, though. Minus 0.5 deduction.

FINAL RATINGS: Mistletoe & Menorah: 3.5/5 dreidels.  Holiday Date: 2.5/5 dreidels.